A  KLONDIKE  DIAMOND 


<A  FARCE 
IN  ONE  ACT 


HERBERT    C.    NASH 


STANFORD  UNIVERSITY,  CALIFORNIA 
1901 


University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


A  KLONDIKE  DIAMOND 


<A   FARCE 
IN   ONE  ACT 


HERBERT    C.    NASH 


STANFORD  UNIVERSITY,  CALIFORNIA 
1901 


COPYRIGHT,  1901,  BY 
H.  C.  NASH 


STANFORD 
UNIVEHSITY   PRESS 


A   KLONDIKE   DIAMOND 

performed  at  Stanford   University,  California,  on  the 
13th  of  December,  1900 


CHARACTERS 

HAROLD  HUNTER,  a  Successful  Gold-seeker 
PROFESSOR  ELKINS,  a  Susceptible  Scientist 
BARON  POLAKOFF,  a  Distinguished  Foreigner 
THE  SHERIFF  OF  SHASTA  COUNTY 
EDITH  WINTHROP,  an  Attractive  Young  Lady 
Miss  WESTLAKE,  another  Attractive  Lady 
IRENE,  a  Fisher  Maiden 


SCENE:  The  Parlor  of  the  Pine  Crag  Hotel,  Shasta  Co. 
California,  1899 


Time  in  Performance,  Fifty  Minutes 


364778 


A   KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 


SCENE  :  Public  parlor  in  the  hotel  at  Pine  Crag  in  Shasta 
County,  California.  Doors  to  right,  left,  and  at  center, 
the  latter  with  portieres. 

Enter  HAROLD  and  EDITH.     HAROLD  in  traveling 
dress,  carrying  a  satchel. 

EDITH.  Well,  put  down  your  bag,  Harold,  and  tell 
me  what  has  brought  you  here  so  unexpectedly,  {she 
sit*  down] 

HAROLD,  [walking  up  and  down]  Oh,  Edith,  you  don't 
know  how  glad  I  am  to  see  you.  Quite  apart  from  my 
loving  you,  I  am  delighted  to  be  among  friends  again. 
You  have  no  idea  of  the  fix  I  am  in  or  of  the  dangers  I 
have  run. 

EDITH.  Poor  boy.  I  suppose  your  trip  to  the  Klon- 
dike was  a  failure. 

HAROLD.  On  the  contrary.  I  have  returned  with  a 
fortune. 

EDITH.     Then  you  have  lost  your  precious  health  ? 

HAROLD.     Never  better  in  my  life. 

EDITH.  Some  misfortune  has  happened  to  a  member 
of  your  family  ? 

HAROLD.     No,  all  alive,  kicking  and  nourishing. 

EDITH,  [rising  dramatically]  Then  you  have  ceased 
to  love  me ! 

HAROLD.     Never  loved  you  as  I  do  at  this  moment. 

EDITH,  {dramatically}  Harold,  torture  me  no  longer ! 
Tell  me,  tell  me  the  worst. 


6  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

HAROLD,  [after  looking  carefully  around  and  search- 
ing every  corner  of  the  room]  I  am  a  marked  man  ! 

EDITH.     Oh,  horrors  !     Did  the  Indians  brand  you  ? 

HAROLD.  No,  nonsense.  I  mean  marked  for  death, 
for  execution.  I  am  now  a  fugitive,  flying  from  my  en- 
emies. [EDITH  shrieks]  You  remember  when  I  started 
for  the  Klondike  ? 

EDITH.     Oh,  yes,  just  two  years  ago,  less  four  days. 

HAROLD.  Well,  I  struck  it  rich  from  the  first.  My 
luck  was  a  proverb  at  Dawson,  until  finally  I  capped 
the  climax  by  discovering  —  what  do  you  suppose? 

EDITH.     Gold. 

HAROLD.  No,  had  lots  of  that  already.  Look  here! 
[looks  all  around  again  suspiciously,  then  cautiously 
produces  a  large  diamond  from  a  box  which  he  takes  from 
his  valise,  unwrapping  diamond  from  a  paper]  What  is 
that? 

EDITH.     A  piece  of  glass. 

HAROLD.  Glass?  Thunder,  no.  A  diamond,  half  as 
large  again  as  the  Koh-i-noor,  the  most  brilliant  in  the 
world !  [carefully  wraps  up  diamondin  paper  and  puts 
it  back  in  box] 

EDITH.     Oh,  Harold,  I  am  so  glad ! 

HAROLD.  Wait.  Now  "listen  to  my  tale  of  woe." 
Soon  after  I  had  discovered  the  diamond,  business 
obliged  me  to  leave  Dawson  for  Vladivostok,  in  Siberia 
— a  long  sea  trip.  At  Vladivostok  I  had  this  box  made 
in  order  to  carry  the  diamond  safely.  There  a  man,  a 
Russian,  learned  that  I  had  the  diamond.  He  followed 
me  about  everywhere,  he  has  followed  me  ever  since,  he 
is  still  following  me. 

EDITH,     [quietly]     Well? 

HAROLD,  [excitedly]  Well!  You  take  this  very  calmly, 
Edith.  Why,  my  life  is  in  danger.  This  man  wants  to 
murder  me  for  the  diamond. 

EDITH.  What's  the  matter  with  the  laws  and  the 
police, —  are  we  in  a  civilized  country  or  in  the  heart  of 
Africa? 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  7 

HAROLD.  This  man  followed  me  down  from  Vladivos- 
tok on  a  fishing  schooner.  He  dogged  my  steps  in 
Portland,  took  the  same  train  south 

EDITH.     Where  is  he  now? 

HAROLD.  I  don't  know.  In  the  middle  of  the  night 
before  last,  at  a  small  wayside  station  in  Oregon,  I  got 
off  the  train  unnoticed,  waited  twenty-four  hours  in  the 
company  of  a  track-walker,  then  took  the  next  night's 
train,  rode  as  far  as  Sisson,  and  there  got  a  horse  and 
buggy  and  came  on  here.  Thus  I  eluded  my  pursuer. 

EDITH.  That's  all  right.  Then  you  need  not  be  ex- 
cited any  longer.  [IRENE puts  her  head  in  at  center  door.] 

IRENE,  [in  a  mysterious  voice]  Want  any  fish,  mister? 
[HAROLD  much  excited,  rushes  to  door  and  drags  IRENE  in. 
IRENE  is  in  fancy  fishing  dress;  she  carries  a  fishing-rod 
and  fish-basket] 

HAROLD,  [excited]  Who  are  you?  What  do  you 
want  here?  Spying,  eh? 

IRENE,  [shaking  herself  free]  You  let  me  alone, 
mister.  I  ain't  spyin' ;  I'm  sellin'  fish,  I  am,  to  gents 
what  don't  ketch  any. 

EDITH.  Yes,  she  is  all  right.  She  is  Irene,  the  fisher- 
maiden.  We  all  know  her.  She  supplies  trout  to  the 
unsuccessful  fishermen  in  this  hotel. 

HAROLD,  [hiding  box  behind  his  back]  Never  mind. 
I  don't  care  who  she  is  or  what  she  sells.  Why  doesn't 
she  go  away  ? 

IRENE.  I  ain't  agoin'  away.  I'm  a  institootion  here, 
I  am.  The  hotel  proprietor  pays  me  a  salary  for  sellin' 
fish  to  the  boarders.  It's  a  snap,  it  is.  I  gets  money  for 
catchin'  de  fish  and  I  gets  money  for  sellin'  de  fish. 
I'm  gettin'  rich,  I  am — think  I'll  go  to  Frisco  and  buy 
me  a  husband. 

EDITH.    Why  don't  you  buy  one  here? 

IRENE.  Oh,  them  fellers  what  comes  to  a  summer 
hotel  ain't  no  good. 

HAROLD,  [aside]  She  is  in  the  pay  of  that  Russian, 
I'll  swear  she  is.  She  is  after  the  diamond. 


8  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

IRENE.  Well,  as  you  gent  and  lady  don't  want  any 
fish,  I'll  walk,  [looks  out  at  center  door]  Ah,  here  comes 
a  gent  as  looks  as  if  fishin'  was  too  hard  work  for  him. 
I'll  wait  for  him, —  guess  he'll  buy  some,  (looking  at  pic- 
tures on  wall\  My,  what  pretty  pictures,  [puts  down 
fish-basket  and  goes  around  looking  at  pictures] 

HAROLD,  [looks  out  center  door,  then  comes  to  front, 
much  excited]  Mighty  powers !  My  Russian  —  coming 
this  way,  and  I  with  the  box  in  my  hand.  What  on 
earth  shall  I  do  with  it? 

EDITH.  Don't  keep  it.  Hide  it.  Quick,  he's  coming. 
Here  [takes  up  IRENE'S  fish-basket],  put  it  in  here.  He'll 
never  suspect  that  it  is  in  a  fish-basket.  [HAROLD  puts 
box  in  basket.  BARON  POLAKOFF  looks  in.  HAROLD 
hurriedly  lays  down  basket] 

Enter  BARON  POLAKOFF,  center  door. 

BARON,  [bowing  low  to  EDITH]  Madam,  I  have  the 
honor. — What  a  beautiful  place  is  this — so  peaceful, 
so  bucolic,  it  is  sylvan  indeed !  [walks  around  room, 
taking  note  of  everything] 

EDITH,     [to  BARON]     Have  you  just  arrived,  sir? 

BARON.  A  short  time  ago  —  from  the  North.  I  have 
important  business  here  and  I  think  I  shall  be  suc- 
cessful, [looks  fixedly  at  HAROLD,  who  is  much  con- 
fused] 

IRENE,  [turning  suddenly,  picking  up  fish-basket,  and 
offering  it  to  BARON]  Want  any  fish,  mister? 

BARON.  Fish!  ah,  yes!  The  most  innocent  of  living 
creatures,  and  the  most  cruelly  treated  by  man  ! — Why 
is  this  ?  Inscrutable ! 

IRENE,  [holding  up  basket]  I'll  sell  the  whole  basket 
just  as  it  is. 

HAROLD.     Stop,  I  buy  it. 

BARON.  Excuse  me,  sir.  The  basket  was  offered  to 
me.  I  take  it. 

IRENE.     I  to  BARON]     How  much? 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  9 

HAROLD.     Five  dollars. 

BARON.    Ten. 

HAROLD,     [excitedly]    Twenty. 

BARON.     Fifty- 

HAROLD.     One  hundred. 

BARON.     Five  hundred. 

EDITH,  [to  BARON]  May  I  ask,  sir,  what  motive  you 
have  in  bidding  five  hundred  dollars  for  a  few  dozen  fish  ? 

BARON.  Madam,  the  same  motive  which  causes  that 
gentleman  over  there  to  bid  one  hundred  dollars.  Baron 
Polakoff  does  not  like  to  be  beaten. 

EDITH.     Not  even  by  a  woman  ? 

BARON.  Ah,  madam,  that  is  not  being  beaten;  that 
is  capitulating  before  an  engagement. 

EDITH.     If  I  want  the  fish  will  you  capitulate? 

BARON,  [bowing,  his  hand  on  his  heart]  Uncondition- 
ally, with  arms  and  baggage.  The  basket  is  yours. 
[HAROLD  makes  motion  to  take  basket]  —  But  not  that 
gentleman's,  [pointing  to  HAROLD] 

IRENE.  Well,  I'll  go  and  give  the  fish  to  the  hotel 
cook.  He'll  put  'em  on  ice  for  ye. 

[Exit 

HAROLD,  [rushing  after  her]  Here,  here,  stop !  Don't 
take  that  basket  away 

BARON,  [to  HAROLD,  putting  his  hand  on  his  shoulder] 
And  why  not,  my  dear  sir?  The  fish  belong  to  this 
young  lady,  and  she  wishes  them  fried  for  her  dinner  — 
rolled  in  flour,  then  fried  in  butter  with  a  little  chopped 
parsley,  maitre  d' hotel  sauce  —  excellent! 

EDITH.  Yes,  they  are  mine,  and  I'll  go  and  see  that 
they  are  delivered  to  the  proper  person  in  the  kitchen. 
[aside  to  HAROLD]  Don't  let  him  suspect  that  you  know 
who  he  is.  I'll  get  the  box  for  you. 

[Exit 

BARON,  [to  HAROLD]  Another  excellent  way  of  cook- 
ing trout  is  to  steep  the  fish  in  salt  water,  add  a  little 


10  A   KLONDIKE   DIAMOND. 

lemon  juice,  then  boil  in  fresh  water,  serve  on  a  folded 
napkin  with  hollandaise  sauce  on  the  side  in  a  sauce- 
boat,  —  appetizing — very. 

Enter  Miss  WESTLAKE  at  right  door. 

HAROLD,  [to  BARON]  Thank  you,  I'm  not  a  cook. 
[aside,  alluding  to  Miss  WESTLAKE]  Now,  who  is  this 
mysterious  lady?  I  don't  like  her  looks.  Well,  I  must 
go  after  Edith  to  find  out  whether  she's  got  the  box. 

[Exit' hurriedly 

[Miss  WESTLAKE  is  very  fashionably  dressed;  she  crosses 
the  stage,  takes  a  seat  and  a  book;  for  a  moment  she  pretends 
to  read;  the  BARON  hums  a  tune  and  looks  at  the  pictures 
on  the  walls] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     [suddenly]     When  did  you  arrive? 

BARON.     Half  an  hour  ago,  Miss  Westlake. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     I  suppose  that  this  is  our  man? 

BARON.     It  is. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     Has  he  the  box  with  him  ? 

BARON.  He  had  it  until  five  minutes  ago.  Then  in 
order  to  allay  suspicion  I  had  to  let  the  young  lady  have  it. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     What  young  lady  ? 

BARON.  A  charming  young  lady  with  fair  hair  and  a 
light  blue  dress. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Miss  Edith  Winthrop.  Does  she 
suspect  anything? 

BARON.     Probably. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  You  have  never  lost  sight  of  that 
man  from  the  time  you  left  Portland  ? 

BARON.  Until  the  night  before  last,  no.  Then  he 
managed  to  leave  the  train  without  my  knowledge,  but 
I  discovered  the  fact  within  half  an  hour,  so  I  got  off  the 
train  at  the  next  station,  found  him  easily,  and  have 
kept  him  in  sight  ever  since. 

Miss    WESTLAKE.     Good.     Now  go  and  take  a  walk  in 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  11 

the  woods,  and  remember  —  you  and  I  are  mere  hotel 
acquaintances.     We  never  met  until  we  came  here. 

BARON.     Exactly  —  but  why  a  walk  ? 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     Because  I  wish  it. 

BARON.     Inscrutable !  [Exit  left  door 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [alone]  My  reputation  is  at  stake. 
If  I  fail  in  this  enterprise  my  connection  with  the  Third 
Section  of  the  Russian  Police  ends  forever.  Obtain 
possession  of  the  contents  of  that  box,  I  must  and  shall. 
I  have  not  been  boarding  at  this  hotel  for  three  weeks 
for  nothing.  And  so  Miss  Winthrop  has  the  box,  — not 
so  easy  to  manage  as  a  man. —  But  she  is  in  love  —  she 
told  me  she  was  —  and  I  am  not,  therefore  the  advantage 
lies  with  me.  Love  blunts  all  the  faculties. 

Enter  EDITH  with  a  fish-basket,  center  door. 

EDITH,  [startled  at  seeing  Miss  WESTLAKEJ  Oh,  I 
thought  there  was  nobody  here  —  that  is,  I  thought 
Harold [she  is  embarrassed  by  the  fish-basket] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.    [sweetly]    And  who  is  Harold,  dear? 

EDITH.  Why,  Mr.  Hunter.  You  know — I  have  told 
you  about  him.  We  are  engaged. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Surely,  Mr.  Hunter,  yes.  But  you 
didn't  tell  me  that  you  were  expecting  him.  [aside] 
The  box  is  in  that  basket. 

EDITH.  I  was  not.  He  arrived  quite  unexpected  this 
morning. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [pointing  to  basket]  Have  you  been 
fishing,  dear?  I  haven't  seen  you  with  that  basket 
before. 

EDITH,  [embarrassed]  No.  This  is  just  a  fishing 
basket  —  I  —  picked  up  —  it  isn't  mine  —  I'm  just  carry- 
ing it 

Miss  WESTLAKE.    Oh,  yes,  just  for  fun. 

EDITH.  It  belongs  to  the  fisher-girl,  and  I  was  bring- 
ing it  to  Harold 


12  A    KLONDIKE   DIAMOND. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Oh,  I  see.  Harold  is  not  a  mighty 
fisher,  but  he  wants  to  appear  like  one.  All  the  men  do 
up  here.  Let  me  look  at  the  fish,  Edith. 

EDITH,  [holding  on  to  basket]  Oh,  they're  just  fish, — 
all  alike,  you  know.  I  had  rather  you  didn't  see 
them [hesitates  and  stammers J  You  might  re- 
cognize them  when  they  came  on  the  table,  and  it 
would  embarrass  Harold  if  you  did — he  is  going  to  sit 
at  our  table,  you  know. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Dearest  girl,  how  you  love  him. 
[she  kisses  EDITH  and  tries  to  get  basket;  they  struggle 
for  it.  HAROLD'S  voice  is  heard  outside  calling,  "Edith, 
Edith,  where  are  you?  "] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  There.  A  man's  voice, —  Mr.  Hun- 
ter, calling  for  you.  Run,  run,  leave  the  basket  with 
me.  [she  attempts  to  take  the  basket] 

EDITH.  No.  No.  [HAROLD'S  voice  sounds  nearer, 
"Edith,  Edith"]  He's  coming,  [she  snatches  away 
basket] 

Enter  HAROLD. 

HAROLD,  [to  EDITH]  I've  been  chasing  you  every- 
where. Have  you ?  [seeing  Miss  WESTLAKE]  Oh, 

I  beg  your  pardon. 

EDITH.  This  is  my  dear  friend,  Miss  Westlake.  Miss 
Westlake,  allow  me  to  introduce  Mr.  Hunter.  You  have 
heard  me  speak  of  him. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [to  HAROLD]  Mr.  Hunter,  if  I  were 
a  man  we  should  be  rivals. 

HAROLD.  I'm  awfully  glad  you're  a  woman.  I 
shouldn't  have  a  shadow  of  a  show  against  you. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Very  pretty,  Mr.  Hunter.  You  are 
a  courtier,  I  perceive. 

HAROLD,  [looking  significantly  at  |EDITH]  I'm  a 
courter,  anyhow. 

EDITH,     [archly]    And  a  successful  one,  Harold. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [to  EDITH]  Au  revoir,  dearest.  I 
must  go  and  write  a  letter  to  my  dear  old  father.  I  write 


A   KLONDIKE   DIAMOND,  13. 

to  him  every  day.  He  says  my  letters  are  the  only 
pleasure  left  to  him  in  life.  I  shall  see  you  again,  Mr^ 
Hunter,  [bows  sweetly,  and  exit,  left  door\ 

HAROLD.     Edith,  I  see  you've  got  the  basket  all  right, 

EDITH.  Oh,  yes,  and  1  was  just  in  time  to  prevent 
the  cook  from  opening  it.  [HAROLD  takes  her  hand] 

HAROLD.  Let  me  have  a  good  look  at  you,  Edie.  It's 
so  long  since  I  have  looked  into  your  eyes. 

EDITH.  It  is,  sir.  But  when  you  arrived  you  seemed 
a  good  deal  more  interested  in  that  old  diamond  than  in 
my  eyes. 

HAROLD.     And  yet  it  is  not  half  as  brilliant  as  they  are. 

EDITH.  You  appeared  to  think  differently  then. 
Harold,  are  you  sure  that  no  girl  up  in  the  Klondike 
country  has  weaned  you  from  me? 

HAROLD.  Edie,  what  makes  you  talk  like  that?  You 
excite  my  suspicions.  I  believe  that  some  other  man 
has  captured  your  fickle  heart  while  I  have  been  toiling 
for  you  in  the  icy  Klondike. 

EDITH,  [seating  herself  on  lounge]  Oh,  Harold,  I  ad- 
mit that  I  have  a  confession  to  make. 

HAROLD.  Quick,  quick,  make  it,  don't  keep  me  in 
suspense ! 

EDITH.  Well,  I  confess  to  the  man.  What  could  you 
expect?  You  knew  my  nature,  yet  you  went  off  to  the 
gold  fields  and  left  me.  How  did  I  know  when  you 
would  return?  I  was  deserted,  like  Ariadne,  and,  like 
her,  I  sought  consolation. 

HAROLD.  My  luck  has  gone  dead  back  on  me.  But 
the  man,  the  man 

EDITH.  Yes,  the  man,  I'm  coming  to  him.  Well,  I 
saw  him  often;  first  I  only  met  him  in  the  street,  but 
even  then  the  sight  of  him  strangely  moved  me.  I  confess 
that  I  watched  for  him  with  emotion,  and  when  I  saw 
him  my  heart  went  out  to  him  as  in  old  times  it  used  to 
go  out  to  you.  [she  pauses] 

HAROLD.     Go  on,  go  on  ! 

EDITH.     He  called  at  the  house,  he  called  often,  he 


14  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

called  every  day,  he  called  several  times  a  day,  — yet  I 
would  have  had  him  call  oftener  still. 

HAROLD.  Death  and  murder!  Am  I  to  stand  still 
and  listen  to  this  ? 

EDITH,  [tragically]  You  may  kill  me,  if  you  please, 
but  I  must  tell  the  truth,  the  whole  truth,  and  nothing 
but  the  truth,  [she  rises,  and  in  a  matter-of-fact  tone] 
Harold,  you  are  a  donkey, —  the  man  was  the  postman 
who  brought  me  your  letters. 

[Miss  WESTLAKE  and  the  BARON  look  in  from  curtained 
door  at  back,  but  quickly  disappear] 

HAROLD.  [falling  into  a  chair]  O-h !  Edith,  no 
more  of  such  jokes.  Shocks  like  these  produce  heart- 
disease.  What  made  you  frighten  me  so? 

EDITH.     Oh  dear!     Can't  you  imagine? 

HAROLD.  No,  I  can't,  unless  it  was  to  cause  me  un- 
happiness. 

EDITH.  Men  are  so  stupid.  Well,  you  wooden-head. 
Because  I  love  you, —  there!  —  Now  do  you  understand  ? 

HAROLD,  [rising]  Edie,  Edie!  Put  down  that  old  bas- 
ket. Hang  the  diamond  !  Say  that  again.  I'm  never 
tired  of  hearing  that  sort  of  thing  from  you.  Then  you 
do  love  me?  [EDITH  puts  the  basket  on  the  table  at  back, 
and  they  both  come  to  front  again  and  HAROLD  takes  both 
her  hands.  Miss  WESTLAKE  comes  out  from  curtain  at 
back  and  approaches  basket,  unperceivc.d  by  the  others] 

EDITH,  [in  a  sprightly  manner]  Of  course  I  love  you. 
At  least,  I  think  so.  I  don't  know  for  sure, —  because  I 
haven't  met  all  the  men  in  the  world.  How  do  I  know 
that  I  love  you  the  best  of  all  until  I  have  met  them  all  ? 
You  must  be  reasonable. 

HAROLD,  [excited]  Reasonable !  When  reason  comes 
in,  love  goes  out.  The  real  thing  is  unreasonable  and 
unreasoning,  or  it  isn't  love.  [Miss  WESTLAKE  glides  to 
table  at  back,  takes  fishing-basket,  and  exit  at  center  door 
ivith  basket] 

EDITH.  Well,  Harold,  you  must  take  me  as  you  find 
me.  The  fact  that  I  let  you  take  me  at  all  should  con- 


A    KLONDIKE   DIAMOND.  15 

vince  you.     [she  turns  to  table]    Why,  where's  the  bas- 
ket ?    I  laid  it  on  that  table,  and  it  is  gone. 

HAROLD,  [wildly]  Gone !  Someone  must  have  slipped 
in  and  stolen  it.  That  infernal  Russian  !  But  I'll 
find  him  and  kill  him. 

[Exit  in  great  excitement,  right  door 

EDITH,  [alone]  "  The  real  thing  is  unreasonable 
and  unreasoning !  "  And  he  forgets  all  about  the  "real 
thing  "  when  he  loses  a  diamond  ! 

Enter  Miss  WESTLAKE  and  PROFESSOR  ELKINS, 
center  door.     She  is  leaning  on  his  arm. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  My  dearest  Edith,  Professor  Elkins 
and  I  are  having  such  an  interesting  discussion  on  trog- 
lodytes. Now,  are  you  aware  that  troglodytes  are 
human  beings? 

PROFESSOR.  Rather,  were  human  beings,  Miss  West- 
lake. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Yes,  were  human  beings. — Why 
Edith  dear,  you  seem  disturbed 

EDITH.  I  am  disturbed.  A  great  misfortune  has  hap- 
pened to  Mr.  Hunter.  He  has  been  robbed  of  most 
valuable  property. 

Miss  WESTLAKE  and  the  PROFESSOR.    You  don't  say  so ! 

EDITH.  Yes,  and  Harold  knows  the  thief  and  has 
gone  after  him,  and  if  they  meet  something  terrible  will 
happen.  Blood  will  be  shed,  [sobs] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  I'll  go  at  once  and  help  in  the  search 
for  the  thief.  What  was  the  property,  Edith? 

EDITH.     Why  —  a  basket  of  fish. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Ah,  the  basket  you  had  in  your 
hands.  But  why  attach  such  importance  to  a  few  fish? 
The  river  is  full  of  them.  Never  mind.  I  join  in  the 
hunt  for  the  thief.  Professor,  will  you  join? 

PROFESSOR.  No,  I  never  saw  a  thief  in  my  life,  there- 
fore how  could  I  recognize  one  even  if  I  met  one  ? 


16  A   KLONDIKE   DIAMOND. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  What  a  philosopher  you  are !  It's 
the  honest  man  that  I  haven't  yet  seen.  I  have  had  a 
varied  experience  with  the  other  kind. 

[Exit 

EDITH,  [much  excited]  Professor  Elkins,  you  have 
confessed  to  considerable  admiration  for  me  in  the  past. 
Are  you  prepared  to  do  me  a  favor  ? 

PROFESSOR,  [takes  her  hand  and  kisses  it]  A  thou- 
sand, dear  Miss  Edith. 

EDITH.  A  man  arrived  here  this  morning, —  a  Rus- 
sian,—  he  calls  himself  Baron  Polakoff.  Find  out  who 
he  is,  if  he  has  ever  been  in  Vladivostock,  why  he  is 
here,  what  he  wants, —  in  fact  all  about  him. 

PROFESSOR.  But  supposing  I  ask  him  and  he  refuses 
to  tell  me? 

EDITH.  Have  you  no  ingenuity?  No  resources?  Are 
you  not  an  intelligent  man?  Don't  you  admire  me? 

PROFESSOR.  Ah,  that!  yes,  Miss  Edith.  In  the  most 
scientific  manner  in  which  a  woman  was  ever  admired. 

EDITH.  Then,  in  the  most  scientific  manner  you  have 
to  dispose  of,  get  at  the  Baron  and  pump  him,  but  sci- 
entifically or  unscientifically,  find  out  all  about  him  and 
whether  he  has  the  basket. 

PROFESSOR.     What  basket? 

EDITH.     The  basket  containing  the  fish. 

PROFESSOR.  Why  should  he  have  the  basket?  Would 
a  baron  be  a  thief  ? 

EDITH,  [impatiently]  It  is  easy  to  see  that  you  don't 
care  for  me  or  you  wouldn't  make  all  these  objections. 
[she  sits  down] 

PROFESSOR.     But  you're  engaged  to  another  man. 

EDITH.  Engaged  isn't  married.  I've  been  engaged 
to  half  a  dozen  before.  Won't  you  do  this  for  my  sake? 
[rises] 

PROFESSOR.     For  that  I'll  do  anything. 

EDITH.     Good.     I  depend  upon  you  absolutely.     You 


A    KLONDIKE   DIAMOND.  17 

will  find  me  somewhere  around  when  you  are  ready  to 
report  to  me. 

[Exit,  left  door 

PROFESSOR.  I  wish  that  I  were  less  susceptible  to  the 
charms  of  women.  They  take  advantage  of  my  suscep- 
tibility. But  I  must  find  this  Baron. 

[Exit,  right  door 

Enter  Miss  WESTLAKE  and  the  BARON  with  the 
basket,  center  door. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  You  are  sure  that  you  never  had 
the  basket  out  of  your  sight  from  the  time  I  gave  it  to 
you? 

BARON.  Not  for  an  instant.  I  have  held  it  in  my 
hand  ever  since. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     And  yet  the  box  was  not  in  it. 

BARON.  It  was  not.  I  opened  the  basket  immedi- 
ately after  you  had  passed  it  to  me  and  hurried  away. 
It  was  full  of  fish,  but  the  box  was  not  there. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Who  can  have  it?  Not  Edith  nor 
Mr.  Hunter.  They  are  looking  for  it  now.  If  I  were 
not  so  sure  of  you,  Baron,  I  should  suspect  you. 

BARON,     [bowing]     But  you  cannot. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  No.  Under  the  circumstances,  I 
cannot. 

BARON.  Inscrutable  !  Unless  that  little  fish-girl  took 
the  box  out  before  the  young  lady  got  the  basket. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Of  course.  Baron,  go  to  the  fish- 
girl  and  get  it  from  her,  by  fair  means  or  foul,  by  pur- 
chase or  by  force. 

BARON.  Pardon  me.  That  I  cannot.  She  will  have 
nothing  to  say  to  me  because  I  backed  down  in  my  offer 
of  $500  for  her  basket  and  would  not  pay  her. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     Offer  her  the  money  now. 

BARON.     No  use.     She  is  what  you  call  "spunkv." 


18  A   KLONDIKE   DIAMOND. 

She  says  to  me  (for  I  have  seen  her)  that  I  could  not  buy 
one  of  her  old  shoes  now  for  $10,000. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  We  must  get  someone  to  work  her. 
Ah !  the  Professor.  I  can  make  him  do  anything. 

BARON,    [bowing]   You  can  make  any  man  do  anything. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     And  here  he  comes. 

Enter  PROFESSOR  ELKINS.     [BARON  hides  basket 
under  the  table] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Professor  Elkins,  have  you  met 
Baron  Polakoff?  [the  men  bow] 

PROFESSOR.  Baron,  I  am  glad  to  meet  you.  I  am 
very  much  interested  in  the  Siberian  town  of  Vladivos- 
tock.  Have  you  been  there? 

BARON,  [ignoring  question]  Professor,  you  are  a  man 
of  science,  and  doubtless  have  often  remarked  that 
when  you  drop  a  lump  of  sugar  into  a  cup  of  coffee  in- 
numerable bubbles  immediately  rise  to  the  surface. 
Now,  why  is  this?  I  am  not  a  man  of  science,  but  I 
want  information;  will  you  give  it  to  me? 

PROFESSOR.  I'm  sure  I  don't  know  why  it  is,  except 
that  the  bubbles  can  go  nowhere  else. 

BARON,  [aside]  And  this  man  is  a  university  profes- 
sor !  Inscutable ! 

PROFESSOR.     Baron,  have  you  ever  lived  in  Siberia? 

BARON.  Siberia !  What  a  desolate  country  compared 
to  your  smiling  land!  How  unhappy  are  those  who 
have  to  live  there !  [a  pause] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  But,  Baron,  you  have  not  answered 
the  Professor's  question. 

BARON.  Oh,  excuse  me.  Have  I  ever  been  to  Si- 
beria? Certainly ;  I  have  been  everywhere  —  Miss  West- 
lake,  I  believe  that  you  are  not  a  scientist,  but  I  am 
told  that  you  are  a  woman  of  great  practical  knowledge. 
Have  you  ever  noticed  that  when  you  look  at  the  bowl 
of  a  spoon  on  the  concave  side,  your  face  is  reflected  up- 
side down,  but  when  you  look  on  the  convex  side  your 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  19* 

face  is  natural?  Now,  why  is  this?  I  simply  ask  for 
information. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     You  can't  prove  it  by  me,  Baron. 

PROFESSOR  ELKINS.     Nor  by  me. 

BARON,  [aside]  And  he  a  university  professor !  In- 
scrutable ! 

PROFESSOR.     Do  you  intend  to  remain  here  long? 

BARON.  Not  long.  Can  you  tell  me  why  the  wood- 
pecker, usually  a  most  intelligent  bird,  will  perch  on 
a  telegraph  pole  and  peck  at  the  glass  insulators  around 
which  the  wires  run?  Can  you  give  a  scientific  reason? 

PROFESSOR,     [impatiently]     No,  I  cannot. 

BARON,    [aside]   And  he  a  university  professor !   In 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Baron,  will  you  be  kind  enough  to 
fetch  me  the  fan  I  left  in  my  hammock  or  somewhere 
on  the  porch? 

BARON.     With  pleasure, —  scrutable! 

[Exit  center  door,  with  basket  concealed 

Miss  WESTLAKE  is  sitting  on  the  lounge;  she 
makes  room  for  the  PROFESSOR. 

Miss  ^WESTLAKE.  Professor,  the  Baron  is  a  bore  with 
his  questions.  Come  and  sit  here.  I  want  to  talk  to 
you.  I  want  your  advice.  [PROFESSOR  sits  down  by  her] 
You  are  such  a  learned  man ;  1  am  told  that  you  know 
everything.  Of  course  you  have  studied  palmistry? 

PROFESSOR.  No.  I  have  never  paid  any  attention  to 
that  science. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  It  is  a  charmingly  interesting  study. 
Will  you  show  me  the  palm  of  your  hand?  [she  takes 
PROFESSOR'S  hand]  Oh,  how  unusually  marked, —  what 
an  interesting  hand, —  what  a  long  life-line, —  that  is  the 
life-line  you  see. —  And  what  a  head-line  —  and  how 
slim  your  fingers  are !  [during  the  whole  of  this  scene 
the  PROFESSOR  shows  signs  of  lively  satisfaction]  Those 
little  cross  lines  are  love  affairs — quite  a  good  many 


20  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

PROFESSOR.  Let  me  see  your  hand, — both  hands,  all 
your  hands, —  oh,  how  soft  they  are.  [takes  her  hands 
in  his] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Ah,  Professor,  how  different  they 
are  from  your  heart. 

PROFESSOR,  [excited]  No.  I  assure  you  that  they  are 
uot-[recovering  himself]  at  least  scientifically,  they  are  not. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [disengaging  her  hands]  Oh,  yes. 
You  can't  deceive  me.  I  was  going  to  ask  a  favor  of  you, 
but  since  I  have  read  the  lines  in  your  hand  I  am  afraid 
to  do  so. 

PROFESSOR,  [warmly J  Hang  my  hands !  At  least,  I 
beg  your  pardon,  I  mean, —  ask  anything  of  me  —  I  am 
your  most  devoted  servant. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [rising]  Then,  my  most  devoted 
servant,  this  is  what  I  want  you  to  do  —  No,  never 
mind  my  hand  now :  the  seance  in  palmistry  is  over  for 
the  time  being.  I  want  you  to  go  to  the  fisher-girl, 
whom  you  know,  since  you  are  one  of  her  best  customers, 
and  get  from  her 

PROFESSOR,     [rising]     Yes,  I  know.     A  basket 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  No,  not  a  basket.  A  box,  which 
she  took  from  the  basket. 

PROFESSOR.    But  supposing  she  declines  to  give  it  to  me? 

Miss  AVESTLAKE.  Supposing  she  declines?  Of  course 
she  will  decline  at  first,  but  use  your  intelligence.  Have 
you  none?  Use  your  blandishments,  [laughing]  give  her 
a  lesson  in  palmistry.  Will  you  do  this  for  me? 

PROFESSOR.     This,  and  anything  else  you  may  ask. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  You  are  charming,  [looks  out]  And 
here  she  comes.  I  leave  you  with  her. 

[Exit,  left  door 

Enter  IRENE  with  a  fish-basket,  right  door. 

IRENE,     [to  PROFESSOR]     Any  fish  to-day,  mister? 
PROFESSOR.    Yes,  I  want  some  fish.     I  want  a  basket 
of  fish, — no,  a  box  of  fish. 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  21 

IRENE.  Got  no  boxes.  I  keeps  my  fish  in  baskets 
from  the  time  I  take  'em  off  the  hook  to  the  time  I  sells 
'em.  Nary  boxes. 

PROFESSOR  [earnestly]  But  I  want  that  box  which  you 
have  and  which  I  am  bound  to  get. 

IRENE.  What's  the  matter  with  the  jay?  I  ain't  got 
no  box.  You're  a  funny  man.  Queer,  eh?  Crazy? 

PROFESSOR.  No,  not  crazy, —  you  know  the  box  that 
you  took '• 

IRENE.  Never  mind  any  old  box.  Here,  have  some 
fish,  [she  lakes  one  out  and  puts  it  under  his  nose, — laughing] 

PROFESSOR.  Go  away — no,  stay.  Let  me  read  your 
palm. 

IRENE.     I  ain't  got  no  palm,  'cause  I  can't  read. 

PROFESSOR,  [taking  her  hand  and  examining  it]  What 
an  unusual  hand.  Not  so  soft  as  the  other,  but  shapely, 
very 

IRENE,  [draiving  away  her  hand]  Ah,  you,  quit  foolin'. 
I've  got  to  go  down  the  river  to  Sims  to-day  to  do  some 
more  fishing. 

PROFESSOR.  Let  me  go  along  with  you.  I  should  like 
to  learn  how  to  fish  scientifically. 

IRENE.  All  right,  come  along.  And  you  can  carry 
this  fish-basket.  There's  fish  in  it  now,  but  I'll  sell  'em 
all  on  the  way  to  Sims,  [gives  him  basket] 

PROFESSOR.  Excuse  me  a  minute  while  I  go  and  get 
my  bag.  I  have  in  it  some  geological  instruments  that 
I  would  like  to  take  with  me,  in  case  we  come  across 
any  specimens. 

IRENE.  Go  right  ahead,  mister.  I'll  wait  for  you 
down  by  the  bridge. 

[Exit,  right  door,  PROFESSOR  exits,  left  door,  with  basket 
Enter  HAROLD  and  EDITH,  center  door. 

EDITH.     And  did  you  find  the  Baron? 

HAROLD.     Yes. 

EDITH.     What  did  you  say  to  him? 


22  A   KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

HAROLD.    I  charged  him  with  the  theft  of  the  diamond. 

EDITH.     What  did  he  say? 

HAROLD.     He  challenged  me  to  fight  a  duel. 

EDITH.     Did  you  fight? 

HAROLD,  [crossly]  Did  I  fight?  Now,  Edith,  have  a 
little  sense.  What  use  would  fighting  be?  It  wouldn't 
give  me  back  my  property,  and  you  might  have  been  a 
widow  before  you  were  married. 

EDITH.     And  what  did  you  do,  then? 

HAROLD.  Do?  I  apologized.  I  had  to.  He  would 
have  sued  me  for  libel  otherwise. 

EDITH.  Well,  you  certainly  have  done  a  good  many 
queer  things  within  the  last  hour. 

HAROLD,  [bitterly]  I  never  spent  such  an  hour  in 
my  life  before.  But  I  have  telegraphed  to  Redding  for 
the  sheriff  of  the  county,  and  when  he  comes  we  will 
have  a  thorough  investigation.  And  we'll  see  whether 
the  Baron  will  sue  me  or  fight  me.  He'll  have  an  op- 
portunity of  fighting  in  San  Quentin  prison.  That's 
where  he  belongs. 

Enter  PROFESSOR  with  fishing-basket,  valise  and 
umbrella,  left  door. 

HAROLD,  [to  PROFESSOR]  Hello !  where  are  you  go- 
ing with  that  basket? 

PROFESSOR.     What  business  is  that  of  yours,  pray? 

EDITH.  Professor  Elkins,  this  is  my  friend  Mr.  Hun- 
ter. Professor  Elkins,  Harold. 

HAROLD,  [to  PROFESSOR]  And  now,  sir,  may  I  repeat 
my  question? 

PROFESSOR.  You  will  get  the  same  answer  if  you  dor 
sir. 

EDITH.  Professor,  what  is  your  objection  to  telling 
us  where  you  were  going  with  that  basket? 

PROFESSOR.  To  telling  you,  I  have  no  objection.  I 
am  going  —  I  am  going  —  ah !  —  fishing. 

EDITH.    Without  a  rod,  and  with  a  valise  and  umbrella? 


A    KLONDIKE   DIAMOND.  23 

HAROLD  [lifting  basket]  And  a  basket  already  heavy 
with  fish  —  or  something !  Do  the  men  here  usually  take 
fish  with  them  when  they  go  fishing? 

PROFESSOR.    They  don't  often  bring  any  back,  I  notice. 

Enter  the  SHERIFF  OF  SHASTA  COUNTY. 

SHERIFF.  Which  of  you  gentlemen  is  Mr.  Hunter? 
I  was  told  that  I  should  find  him  here. 

HAROLD.     I  am.     Who  are  you? 

SHERIFF  I  am  the  sheriff  of  Shasta  County,  just  ar- 
rived from  Redding  on  a  special  train. 

HAROLD.  You  are  the  Sheriff?  Why,  excuse  me  for 
saying  so,  but  you're  a  woman. 

SHERIFF.  Shasta  is  an  up-to-date  county.  Women 
are  of  some  account  here.  I  was  elected  by  two  hun- 
dred and  fifteen  majority.  I  hanged  a  man  last  week. 

PROFESSOR.     May  I  ask  if  the  operation  was  successful? 

SHERIFF.  Well,  the  rope  broke,  but  so  did  his  neck, 
so  it  was  all  right. 

EDITH.  Mrs.  Sheriff,  you  know  why  you  were  sent 
for ;  have  you  any  theory  in  regard  to  the  disappearance 
of  this  property? 

SHERIFF.  Why,  on  my  way  up  from  the  station,  I 
was  interviewed  by  a  distinguished  foreigner  and  a  very 
intelligent  lady,  who  tried  to  persuade  me  that  there 
had  been  no  robbery  at  all  and  that  I  had  better  go 
home.  Apart  from  a  strong  suspicion  that  they  have 
hit  it  exactly,  I  have  no  particular  theory. 

HAROLD.  But  I  have,  [pointing  to  PROFESSOR]  and  I 
denounce  that  man  as  the  robber  and  declare  that  he 
has  my  stolen  property  in  his  possession  in  that  basket. 

PROFESSOR.  Mrs.  Sheriff,  I  am  Professor  Elkins,  head 
of  the  Geological  Department  in  the  University.  Do 
you  think  that  I  could  be  a  robber? 

SHERIFF.  No,  sir,  I  do  not,  and  there  is  a  very  simple 
way  of  proving  that  you  are  not  the  thief.  Open  that 
basket. 


24  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

PROFESSOR.  But  I  have  personal  objections  to  allow- 
ing this  basket  to  be  opened.  It  is  the  property  of  a 
lady  —  who  confided  it  to  my  safe  keeping. 

EDITH,  [aside]  His  reluctance  to  being  searched  is 
suspicious.  I  wonder  if  he  is  a  real  professor? 

SHERIFF.  Professor,  you  will  have  to  yield.  You  may 
as  well  do  so  without  any  fuss,  for  I,  as  a  representative 
of  the  law,  can  make  you. 

PROFESSOR,  [unstrapping  basket  and  giving  it  to  the  SHER- 
IFF] I  yield  to  superior  physical  force.  Take  the  bas- 
ket, [all  stand  around  in  a  circle  while  the  SHERIFF 
opens  the  basket;  she  takes  out  the  box  and  displays  it] 

HAROLD  and  EDITH.     The  box  ! 

HAROLD.     That  is  my  box  and  contains  my  property. 

SHERIFF.  In  the  name  of  the  law,  and  the  people  of 
Shasta  County,  I  take  charge  of  this  box  until  its  right- 
ful owner  is  discovered. 

HAROLD.  I  am  the  rightful  and  sole  owner  and  I  claim, 
my  property. 

Enter  Miss  WESTLAKE. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Pardon  me.  I  claim  the  property 
in  the  name  of  Czar  of  all  the  Russias,  whose  duly  ac- 
credited agent  I  am,  as  I  can  prove. 

HAROLD.  Mrs.  Sheriff,  don't  mind  her.  She  can't 
prove  anything;  she's  nobody;  everything's  nothing; — 
except  that  box, —  which  is  mine. 

EDITH.     Yes,  it's  his.    [pointing  to  HAROLD] 

SHERIFF.  I  must  have  further  proof,  [to  PROFESSOR] 
Professor,  if  you  are  a  professor  and  not  merely  an  in- 
structor, where  did  you  get  the  basket  containing  this 
box? 

PROFESSOR.     From  a  lady., 

SHERIFF.     From  which  lady? 

PROFESSOR.  I  decline  to  say.  I  should  scorn  to  in- 
criminate a  lady. 

SHERIFF,  [slapping  him  on  the  back]  Say,  I  believe- 
you're  a  real  professor  after  all.  But,  as  I  said  before,  I 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  25 

must  have  proof  before  giving  up  the  property.  You, 
various  claimants  [to  Miss  WESTLAKE,  HAROLD  and 
EDITH]  get  your  proofs  ready  and  bring  them  here  to 
me  in  half  an  hour.  I  shall  wait  here  with  this  man 
who  is  now  my  prisoner. 

HAROLD.     I'll  prove  my  claim  in  ten  minutes. 

[Exit  with  EDITH,  right  door 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     And  I  in  five. 

[Exit,  center  door 

[PROFESSOR  sits  down] 

SHERIFF,  [to  PROFESSOR,  producing  a  pair  of  handcuffs] 
A  little  formality,  Professor;  oblige  me  by  putting  these 
on. 

PROFESSOR.  I  shall  never  suffer  such  an  indignity. 
I  am  as  innocent  of  this  crime  as  a  new-born  babe. 

SHERIFF.  Ah,  give  me  something  newer.  Even  the 

tough  I  hanged  said  that.  Come  now [approaches 

PROFESSOR] 

PROFESSOR.  Never.  It  shall  never  be  said  that  a  mem- 
ber of  our  faculty  wore  handcuffs,  [retreats  behind  table] 

SHERIFF.  Dear  Mr.  Professor.  To  oblige  a  lady, —  I 
know  your  gallant  heart.  You  won't  refuse  a  lady. 

PROFESSOR      [coming  nearer]     WL-  I,  let  me  see  them. 

SHERIFF.  There  as  neat  a  pair  as  were  ever  turned 
out  by  a  locksmith.  Come,  come,  stretch  out  your 
learned  hands,  or  I  s.iall  be  obliged  to  use  force. 

PROFESSOR.  Of  course  I  must  yield  to  brute  force. 
[stretches  out  his  hands] 

SHERIFF.  Thank  you.  Now  see,  how  easily  it  is 
done, —  click!  there,  aren't  they  comfortable?  [claps 
handcuffs  on] 

PROFESSOR.     Ah,  if  my  class  could  see  me  now ! 

SHERIFF.  But  it  cannot.— Why,  what  do  I  see?  Grease 
spots  on  your  coat, —  that  won't  do, —  now  I'll  take  them 


26  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

out  for  you.   [produces  a  cake  of  soap,  and  rubs  the  PROFES- 
SOR'S coat;  both  sit  down  on  the  lounge] 

PROFESSOR.  My  position  is  not  so  unpleasant  after 
all,  nor  do  I  feel  the  deep  humiliation  I  had  expected. 

SHERIFF.  There,  that's  better.  Now,  you  look  more 
respectable.  I  shall  be  proud  to  bring  you  into  the  jail 
at  Redding. 

PROFESSOR.     To  jail ;  oh,  horrors  !  —  la  jail-bird ! 

SHERIFF.  Now,  look  at  your  cuffs,  [takes  his  hands 
and  stretches  them  out]  all  unraveled, —  they  are  in  a 
disgraceful  condition.  I  must  remedy  that,  [produces 
scissors  from  her  pocket  and  carefully  trims  edges  of  his 
cuffs] 

PROFESSOR.  Do  not  be  in  a  hurry,  [aside]  Captivity 
lias  its  redeeming  features. 

SHERIFF,  [examining  cuffs  critically]  That's  neater. 
You're  my  star  prisoner  and  I  don't  want  you  to  dis- 
grace me.  Why,  what  do  I  see?  A  rent  on  the  inside 
of  your  coat. — Quick,  let  me  sew  it  up.  [produces  needle 
and  thread  and  proceeds  to  sew  rent] 

PROFESSOR.  Do  you  personally  attend  to  the  toilet  of 
all  your  prisoners? 

SHERIFF,  [sewing]  You  may  believe  I  don't,  but 
I've  taken  a  shine  to  you. 

PROFESSOR.  Why,  how  silky  your  hair  is  and  how 
much  there  is  of  it ! 

SHERIFF.     Oh,  I'm  an  Absalom  for  hair. 

PROFESSOR.  Sweet  are  the  uses  of  adversity.  In 
your  hands  a  felon's  lot  becomes  a  happy  one.  [attempts 
to  take  SHERIFF'S  hand,  but  is  prevented  by  his  handcuffs] 
Fetters  and  shackles  have  no  terrors  for  me  now. 
[bends  down  and  kisses  her  hand  as  she  sews] 

SHERIFF.  Stop  that.  There,  the  job  is  done.  Now, 
you're  quite  a  gentleman.  [PROFESSOR  attempts  to  kiss 
her  hand]  Stop,  I  say,  some  one  is  coming. 

Enter  HAROLD  and  EDITH,  right  door. 
HAROLD.    Ah,  we  are  the  first.    Mrs.  Sheriff,  here  are 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  27 

the  proofs  of  my  ownership  to  the  property,  [hands  SHER- 
IFF a  bundle  of  papers] 

SHERIFF.  All  right.  Before  deciding  I  must  wait  for 
the  evidence  offered  by  the  other  side.  But  in  the 
meanwhile,  in  the  name  of  the  people  of  Shasta  County, 
I  open  this  box  and  examine  its  contents,  [opens  box 
and  takes  out  diamond,  which  is  wrapped  up  in  paper; 
the  paper  falls  to  the  ground  in  front] 

HAROLD  and  EDITH.     This  is  our  diamond. 

SHERIFF.     So,  so,  a  diamond,  and  a  great  big  one,  too. 

PROFESSOR,  [who  has  approached]  Excuse  me  a  mo- 
ment, may  I  see  this  brilliant?  [SHERIFF  gives  it  to  him] 
[to  HAROLD]  Who  told  you  that  this  was  a  diamond? 

HAROLD.     Why,  I  have  eyes,  haven't  I? 

PROFESSOR.  Yes,  you  have  eyes,  but  they  are  igno- 
rant eyes, —  that  is,  as  regards  carbons. 

HAROLD.     What  do  you  mean? 

PROFESSOR.  I  mean  that  I  may  have  a  fatal  weakness 
for  the  fair  sex,  but  I  am  Professor  of  Geology  and 
Mineralogy  at  the  University,  and  in  my  own  line  am 
unexcelled.  This  is  no  diamond. 

HAROLD.     What  is  it,  then? 

PROFESSOR.  A  white  topaz;  that  is,  a  simple  crystal, 
of  no  commercial  value,  extraordinarily  brilliant  I  ad- 
mit, but  no  more  a  diamond  than  copper  is  gold. 

EDITH.  I  don't  believe  it.  Harold,  you  and  your  dia- 
mond are  all  right.  This  man  is  an  imposter.  He  pro- 
fesses to  be  a  professor  and  gives  no  scientific  reasons 
for  his  so-called  science.  He  can't  even  define  what  he 
calls  a  white  topaz. 

PROFESSOR.  Pardon  me,  I  can.  The  white  topaz  is 
merely  a  crystal.  It  would  be  a  most  valuable  gem  were 
it  not  for  two  good  reasons :  first,  it  is  not  suited  for 
cutting ;  secondly,  it  is  found  in  large  quantities  in  many 
parts  of  the  civilized  world.  As  to  the  stone  itself,  its 
crystals  are  commonly  hemimorphic ;  it  is  a  silicate  of 
aluminium  associated  with  the  fluorides  of  aluminium 
and  silicon.  Do  I  make  my  meaning  clear  now? 

HAROLD,     [dryly]    Oh,  perfectly. 


28  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

PROFESSOR.  You  will  observe  that  the  crystals  are  or- 
thorhombic  prisms  with  a  perfect  cleavage,  and  that  its 
hemimorphism  is  associated  with  the  property  of  pyro- 
electricity.  It's  clear  to  you  all,  isn't  it? 

SHERIFF.  Clear!  Why  a  babe  with  a  bottle  would 
understand  that. 

HAROLD.  And  do  you  mean  to  say  that  a  stone  about 
which  all  that  can  be  said  has  no  value  in  the  market? 

PROFESSOR.  That  is  my  meaning,  pecisely.  [hands 
diamond  back  to  SHERIFF,  who  places  it  in  box] 

SHERIFF.  Well,  I  know  nothing  about  diamonds,  or 
topazes,  or  prisms,  but  I  have  a  prisoner  here  and  he  must 
go  to  jail, —  that  is,  if  any  one  charges  him  with  anything. 
[to  HAROLD]  Do  you  make  a  formal  charge,  mister? 

HAROLD.  Of  course  I  do.  Naturally  he  [pointing 
to  PROFESSOR]  says  that  the  diamond  is  worthless  in 
order  to  escape  prosecution,  for  it  has  been  found  in  his 
possession  and  he  cannot  account  for  it. 

EDITH.  After  all,  diamond  or  no  diamond,  he  was 
making  off  with  the  contents  of  that  basket,  wasn't  he? 

SHERIFF.  Yes,  that's  so;  if  you  insist,  I  must  hold 
him  ;  the  majesty  of  the  law  is  not  to  be  trifled  with. 

Enter  IRENE  with  another  fish-basket. 

IRENE.  Say,  folks,  have  any  of  you  seen  that  sporty 
school-teacher  what  was  goin'  to  meet  me  on  the 
bridge?  Ah,  here  he  is. 

HAROLD,  [pointing  to  IRENE]  And  this  girl  is  his  ac- 
complice. Take  her  into  custody  also. 

IRENE.     Into  what? 

SHERIFF.  He  says  that  you  were  helping  the  prisoner 
[pointing  to  the  PROFESSOR]  to  escape  with  his  diamond. 

IRENE,     [calmly]     Then  he  lies. 

SHERIFF,  [to  IRENE]  Is  this  your  basket?  If  so,  what 
was  in  it? 

IRENE,  [examining  basket]  Yes.  That's  mine,  all 
right,  all  right.  What  was  in  it?  Why  fish,  of  course. 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  29 

EDITH,  [to  IRENE]  How  was  the  box  taken  from  your 
basket  and  put  back  again,  and  by  whom? 

IRENE.  I  don't  know  nothing  about  no  old  box  —  only 
baskets  with  fish  in  'em.  I've  got  lots  of  baskets,  and 
they  get  mixed  up.  I  don't  even  remember  which  one 
you  was  all  foolin'  about,  making  believe  you'd  give  $500 
for  it.  Maybe  the  basket  I  gave  the  cook  was  not  that 
one,  but  it  don't  mattes', —  same  fish  in  all  of  them, 
only  nary  boxes.  You  can't  arrest  me  for  nothin'. —  Any 
gents  want  fish?  No?  Well,  ta  ta,  all. 

Enter  Miss  WESTLAKE  and  BARON. 

SHERIFF.  No,  we  can't  arrest  her,  but  I  hold  this 
man,  anyhow,  [pointing  to  PROFESSOR] 

[Exit  IRENE,  left  door 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Yes,  hold  on  to  him  —  My  property 
was  found  on  him 

SHERIFF.  All  right,  [to  Miss  WKSTLAKE]  But  first, 
are  you  aware  that  in  your  absence  I  opened  this  box 
and  found  in  it  nothing  but  a  diamond,  or  piece  of  glass, 
called  by  some  a  white  topaz  with  prisms? 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Impossible!  It  contained  something 
of  immense  value. 

BARON.     Of  priceless  value. 

HAROLD.  There,  you  see !  At  least  these  people  ad- 
mit that  much.  They  know  a  diamond  when  they  see  it. 

SHERIFF,  [to  Miss  WESTLAKE]  Well,  ma'am,  I  don't 
know  a  diamond  from  a  pebble  off  the  beach,  but  one 
thing  is  certain,—  the  box  contained  nothing  but  a  piece 
of  hard  substance  that  may  be  a  diamond,  a  topaz,  or  a 
lump  of  glass. 

BARON.  Excuse  me.  I  was  for  many  years  what  you 
call  director  of  the  imperial  diamond  mines  at  Ishvoshik, 
in  Siberia.  I  can  tell  a  diamond  from  a  pebble  more 
easily  than  I  can  tell  an  apple  from  a  plum.  May  1 
see  this  stone?  May  I  examine  it  in  your  presence? 


30  A    KLONDIKE   DIAMOND. 

SHERIFF,     [handing  him  stone]     Certainly. 

BARON,  [after  examining  stone]  Bah,  throw  the  thing 
away.  It  is  a  white  topaz  —  worth  perhaps  fifty  cents, 
more  probably  nothing.  At  Odon  Tchelou.  in  Siberia, 
you  can  pick  them  up.  They  are  too  brittle  to  bear 
cutting  and  are  of  interest  only  to  the  geologist.  I  am 
not  a  scientist,  and  therefore  cannot  give  you  long 
names,  so  a  white  topaz  is  to  me  simply  a  crystal — what 
you  call  a  piece  of  glass. 

PROFESSOR,     [triumphantly]     Science  is  vindicated  ! 

SHERIFF.  Does  anybody  besides  this  gent  [indicating 
HAROLD]  claim  this  —  thing? 

Miss  WESTLAKE.     Not  I. 

BARON.     Not  I. 

PROFESSOR.     Not  I. 

SHERIFF,  [to  HAROLD]  Then,  sir,  take  it.  It's  yours. 
[gives  him  stone]  And  now,  Professor,  I'm  very  thirsty; 
come  along  and  have  a  drink. 

PROFESSOR.     But  I  never  drink  between  meals. 

SHERIFF.  Then  the  law  must  compel  you,  for  the 
Sheriff  of  Shasta  County  is  not  a  camel,  but  he  will  not 
drink  alone.  Come  along. 

[SHERIFF  leads  PROFESSOR  out,  center  door 

EDITH,  [to  HAROLD]  Oh !  Harold,  what  a  fool  you 
have  been. 

HAROLD.     So  it  seems.     But  even  a  fool  can  love  you. 

EDITH,  [taking  his  hand]  And  the  strange  part  of  it 
is  that  even  a  woman  can  love  a  fool. 

[they  go  toward  back  of  stage 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [who  has  been  conferring  apart  with 
the  BARON]  Stop  a  moment,  Mr.  Hunter.  When  you 
sailed  from  Vladivostock  that  box  contained  something  of 
far  greater  value  than  the  biggest  diamond  in  the  world. 
Now,  what  have  you  done  with  that  something? 

HAROLD.  [coming  down]  With  what  something? 
What's  all  this?  You  make  my  head  spin.  Some  new 
complication !  Explain  yourself. 


A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND.  31 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  Well,  I  will.  Know,  then,  that  al- 
though I  am  an  American  woman,  I  am  an  agent  of  the 
Russian  police,  in  the  employ  of  the  Third  Section. 
Some  weeks  ago,  I  received  information  that  a  secret 
cipher  stolen  from  the  Russian  government  by  Nihilists 
had  been  sent  from  Vladivostock  to  San  Francisco  en- 
closed in  a  box  carried  by  an  American,  who  was  to  de- 
liver it  to  the  Nihilist  bureau  in  San  Francisco.  My 
friend,  Baron  Polakoff,  being  at  that  time  in  Vladivos- 
tock, I  sent  him  word  to  discover  the  bearer  of  the  cipher 
and  keep  him  in  sight.  This  he  has  done ;  and  you  are 
the  man.  [pointing  to  HAROLD] 

HAROLD.  Well,  madam,  so  far  as  I  am  concerned,  you 
are  welcome  to  everything  the  box  contained,  including 
my  Klondike  diamond;  take  it  and  have  it  framed. 
[gives  Miss  WESTLAKE  the  box,  she  examines  it  eagerly; 
the  BARON  searches  around  in  the  room] 

Enter  SHERIFF  and  PROFESSOR. 

SHERIFF.  Ah,  I  feel  better.  Well,  have  you  people 
found  all  your  valuables? 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [bitterly]  No,  nothing.  Ah,  BARON, 
we  are  bunglers.  Half  an  hour  ago  we  got  hold  of  the 
wrong  fish-basket,  and  now  it  seems  that  you  have  been 
following  the  wrong  man  and  got  on  to  the  wrong  box. 

BARON,  [who  has  picked  up  a  paper  from  floor]  Excuse 
me.  I  think  not.  This  [showing  paper]  appears  to  be  a 
cipher.  It  must  have  been  in  the  box — 

SHERIFF,  [taking  paper]  Yes,  I  remember  —  the  dia- 
mond was  wrapped  up  in  this  paper. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [snatching  paper  from  SHERIFF]  At 
last!  My  fortune  is  made.  Why,  what  is  this?  [trying 
to  read  the  cipher] 

PROFESSOR,  [looking  over  her  shoulder]  It  is  appar- 
ently written  in  Chinese  characters,  [takes  cipher  from 
Miss  WESTLAKE]  Allow  me,  I  am  an  oriental  scholar. 
[reads  aloud]  "Vladivostock,  March  2d,  old  style. 
''3  shirts  — 45  kopecks.  4  pair  of  socks  — 8  kopecks. 


32  A    KLONDIKE    DIAMOND. 

"9  collars  —  36  kopecks,  etc.,  etc.  Total,  5  roubles  10 
kopecks,  and  signed  Ah  Chin."  [speaking]  This  is  a 
Chinaman's  wash-list, —  a  very  entertaining  document. 
[hands  it  to  Miss  WESTLAKE] 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  [in  despair]  A  wash-list!  So  it  is. 
I  am  undone.  I  can  never  report  to  the  Third  Section 
that  I  caused  a  Chinaman's  wash-list  to  be  tracked 
five  thousand  miles.  The  name  of  Westlake  is  forever 
disgraced. 

BARON,  [bowing  profoundly  to  Miss  WESTLAKE]  Then 
why  not  change  it  to  that  of  Polakoff  ? 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  This  is  the  thirteenth  time  that 
you  have  proposed  to  me,  Baron,  and  to-day  is  a  Friday; 
therefore,  just  for  luck,  I  accept  you.  [takes  his  arm] 

SHERIFF,  [to  HAROLD]  Do  you  maintain  your  charge 
against  my  prisoner? 

HAROLD.  Oh,  no.  I  can't  charge  a  man  with  steal- 
ing hemimorphic  silicate  of  aluminium  with  fluorides  of 
silicon  and  prisms !  Life's  too  short. 

Miss  WESTLAKE.  And  I  prefer  not  to  charge  him  with 
having  a  Chinaman's  wash-list  in  his  possession. 

SHERIFF,  [to  PROFESSOR]  Then,  Professor,  I'm  sorryr 
but  you  are  free.  No  theft,  no  thief. 

PROFESSOR,  [to  SHERIFF]  Why  not  make  me  your  pris- 
oner for  life. 

SHERIFF.     What?    And  go  out  of  politics? 

PROFESSOR.     Is  not  matrimony  loftier  than  politics? 

SHERIFF.  Maybe.  But  politics  is  more  fun.  No,  no, 
Professor,  not  this  time. 

BARON.  And  he  a  university  professor!  Truly,  the 
ways  of  women  are —  [pauses] 

ALL.     [shouting]     Inscrutable! 

CURTAIN. 

SHERIFF. 

PROFESSOR.  Miss  WESTLAKE 

EDITH.  BARON. 

HAROLD 


